I was sitting on my balcony in Amsterdam, contemplating life and all the different ways that I could share myself and my thoughts with the world. It was a cool afternoon, which was very welcome after a 5-day heat wave that had the Dutch sweating from unholy places.
I was thinking about my life – where it was and where it was headed, contradictory thoughts clouding my head. I’ve always felt different from everyone else, which I realize sounds as cliche as a blogger could sound on their first post, but hear me out. I grew up with the realization that I felt emotions extremely deeply; not just my own, but of those around me as well. This always made me capable of great empathy, but it also brought me much pain. I am hyper-sensitive and feel negative emotions just as strongly as positive ones, which means I often take others’ problems to heart and feel injustices to a great degree. I am also an overthinker, which often leaves me in a field of contradiction, contemplating both sides of every thought and opinion that has ever crossed my mind. This made me feel that I would never figure out who I am, since there are always two sides to my thoughts.
In late 2017, trying to explain the above to a dear friend, I realized that I have never had a quiet moment in my head. I don’t know if other people have the ability to shut off their thoughts when they need a break, but I never have and probably never will. My mind is always racing – my feelings define how I live my life, the things I care about, the people I surround myself with. I can put myself in the shoes of others, bring differing perspectives, carefully consider all sides, and often I have more than one opinion on political issues (or I understand the other side well enough to hold a definite, strong opinion).
It was this realization that helped me begin to embrace my contradictory nature; I realize now that this is what makes me, me. I became aware of the fact that I have been trying to ‘find myself’ when in reality I can only discover personality traits and characteristics that lead my growth in one direction or another. But I will never be just one thing. You can’t find something that doesn’t have a definite location, let alone something that isn’t lost. You can only track it and perhaps lead it in one direction or another, but you’re never truly ‘finding’ it. And that’s what I realized about myself; I will continue developing and changing as my life experiences shape me. As a result, I consider September 2017 to September 2018 as a defining year in my life, one where I decided to accept myself as I am, and to accept that I will continue to discover myself for the rest of my life. I find that tremendously exciting.
Back to my balcony – I’m sitting in my chair, impatiently trying to figure out how to express all sides of myself. Suddenly, the clouds release built-up humidity from the abnormally hot week, and in the same way the rain came suddenly, so did my decision to start a blog.
That’s it. All you need to know before you start to read my blog. If you’re curious what kind of stuff I’ll be posting, read my ‘What is this?’ page.
You’re probably thinking ‘Who is this girl?’, ‘Why am I weirdly intrigued?’, ‘What is she thinking?’. I guess these are questions you and I will both find answers to as we go. In the meantime, enjoy looking through my blog and feel free to leave a comment if you want to see me write about something specific. Thanks for reading! See you soon.☺️